Hiraeth

I miss the normal things about you

The everyday things

that I took for granted,

every day

That make me wish..

I could be mad at you again

That I could scream in spit-stricken vitriol a headache of rage at you—

That I could curse your name and feel it boiling

That you could be here and I would not want to see you

Because I miss the normal things about you

The things I used to hate that today I’d love

to hate.

I wish I could hate you again.

I wish I could hurt you

and be hurt by

You

But I wish

most of all

To see your laugh

That isn’t particularly romantic..

anything abstract or ambiguous

It’s an everyday thing

But I miss the everyday things, about you

The normal things

that I took for granted,

every day

Without getting the chance to say—

I love you.

Saying it now won’t mean anything because you can’t even hear it

These words will go nowhere, as much as I hate to believe it

So maybe altruism will be my saving grace

I will touch one person in this room to remember that life is fleeting

I will fortify as many people as possible — to satisfy my survivor’s guilt

And

Although you are irreplaceable, I will distract my hiraeth with passion

The roaring river will never run into the right ocean

But sisyphus had no other choice

And from here on everything is a distraction

And nobody will ever hear me

And these Ands encompass all other ands..

.. And

I will never get the chance to tell my brother I love him.

But maybe I’ll get the chance to show that I did

And that you all, still can.

I love you.

---