Purgatory

I mailed a letter to my soulmate with no return address

If they exist,

i don’t want to meet them.

If you are out there — I’m sorry

We can only meet when I’m ready to die

If we are soulmates, then we are the same, and if we are the same, then we can never be soulmates

For two mirrors reflect nothing

a blackhole of space time

for which everything enters

and nothing can leave

Like her, I speak with the heavy sadness of an oracle giving their last fortune

Who says—

Our internal turmoil will burn twin flames

that won’t ever last

once ignited—

Because entropy never ends

once incited

reverberating quanta, entangling

then lost—

We either choose a transient moment or a life of hiraeth

But the better of two evils will still lead to regret

We know—

The only way to kill darkness is to fly too close to the sun

And since a temptation from purgatory is one nobody can reject

We fasten to rock-bottom from the outset

Knowing the fall will always hurt more than the rise..

unless

I close my eyes and think I can see you

When I awake to my dreams and my brain imagines a world without darkness

but too much light —

i know I can feel you

feel your eyes staring out from me

your smile crying within me

A crooked mirror left untouched

I only look for long enough to wish—

But I know

I seek something that cannot be sought

an outdoors that lives inside me—

existing

Just to rot.

We will both find smaller people to cling to

We will each get married to someone who has no fear of falling

but nowhere to go

Tears will come from lost hope, not pure happiness

A never-ending hiraeth I know we will die with

A look-up at god to wait for amends

Until we decompose and finish life’s unforgiving poems

A story that always starts..

But can never end.

And then time will pass.

It will be present day

I will look down the road again

And see how it seems like it always fades

but never ends

God speaks to me then—

But knows I’m not ready to hear his amends

I tell him that soon l will be ready to die

that Soon is always

and ever

Because that’s when I will see you.

A glimpse into heaven

or hell

or better

The start of something that can never last

The beginning, of the end.

Forever

at last.

..