Regaining Senses

Light scrapes along the corners

Like a carnival light passing through a window into a broken home, or mice scuttering while they’re seen

I try to avoid it

A turn of head away — the light is blinding

I cannot see with it

While others can’t see without it

With it, I know the depths of it all

God made me privy, a sacrificed soldier he knows cannot make it

I hear his apology

The hardest of them all —

to hear

So ignorance is not bliss for me

It is survival

I must live in the dark, in the shadow of a tragic mistake I didn’t make, with my head down strung with pragmatic dismality

I see a never-ending tunnel I will live in

Room to move forever

But stay in the same place

While I can see the glimmer of light in others’ eyes

Glistening with gleeful innocence

They are the chosen ones

I think

And remember my life was stolen

given to children who couldn’t bare to see what I’ve seen

To children who couldn’t hear half of the thoughts I hear throughout my morning

The weight would crush them — instantly

But I’m tired of being an anchor —

It always drowns first

I think— slumping in the darkness I’ve made for myself in this deck on a ship I know is passing

I learn to live with regret

For a decision I didn’t make

In the first place

My time here is tethered to an expiration

It is transient in time

Bound by accidental eruption

A wicked experiment that had to happen

And had to leave

I see my future,

I cannot see

Then my mind sees something like this..

And think maybe it is worth it

Think maybe I will learn to adjust my lens

That her kiss is worth more than amends

That the light is not too bright

That I can live

And be free

Not from freedom

But tragedy

I see.